PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS 




PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY 

i5 CENTS EACH 

CRANFORD I>AM£S. 2Scenes; l\i hours 

GERTRUDE MASON, M.D. 1 Act; 80 minuteB 

CHEERFUL, COMPANION. 1 Act; 25 miDutea 

LESSON IN ELEGANCE. 1 Act; 30 minutes 

MAIDENS AL.1. FORLORN. SActs; 1>4 hours 

MURDER WILL OUT. 1 Act; 80 minutes 

ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS. SActs; 1J4 hours 

SOCIAL ASPIRATIONS. 1 Act; 45 minutes 

OUTWITTED. 1 Act; SOmmutes 

WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 

SWEET FAMILY. 1 Act; Ihour 

BELLES OF BLACKVILLE. lAct;2hour8 10 

PRINCESS KIKU. (25 cents) 11 

RAINBOW KIMONA. (do cents.) 2 Acts; 1^ hours 

MERRY OLD MAIDS. (So cents.) HotionSong i; 

PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY 

J5 CENTS EACH 

V 

APRIL FOOLS. lAct; SOminutes 

BYRD AND HURD. 1 Act; 40 minutes 

DARKEY WOOD DEALER. 1 Act; 20 minutes 

WANTED, A MAHATMA. 1 Act; SOminutes 

HOLY TERROR. 1 Act; 80 minutes 

MANAGER'S TRIALS. 1 Act; Ihour 

MEDICA. lAct; 85 minutes 

NIGGER NIGHT SCHOOL. 1 Act; SOminutes 

SLIM JIM AND THE HOODOO. 1 Act; SOminutes.. 

WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes 

SNOBSON'S STAG PARTY. 1 Act; 1 hour 12 

PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; SOminutes 6 

HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40 minutes W 

CASE OF HERR BAR ROOMSKI. Mock Trial; 2hours.... 2P 
DARKEY BREACH OF PROMISE CASE. Mock Trial. J 

GREAT LIBEL CASE. Mock Trial; 1 Scene; 2 hours ' 

RIDING THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; 1^ hours 



100 Per Cent American 



A COMEDY IN ONE ACT 
FOR GIRLS 

By 

DOROTHY DONNELL CALHOUN 

Author of 
"Cupid's Column," "Parlor Patriots" 



Copyright, 1918, by 
FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 



^/ 



^FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 

Successor to 
DICK & FITZGERALD 
„ Vesey Street New York 



'\ 






100 PER CENT AMERICAN 



CHARACTERS 

Madame Antoinette Clemance 

Who runs ^'The Select Schoor' 

Abigail Corntossel Her friend from Pumpkinville 

Miss Augusta Scott Known as ** Great Scott'' 

Miss Frieda Von Hinkel Music Teacher 

Miss Gladys Smith Military instinictor 

Mrs. Neulie Ritchie A Society dame 

A Red Cross Worker 

Mary Murphy. .An Irish detective of the Secret Service 
Gretchen The little German maid 

Select Pupils of Mme. Clemance 's Select School 

Marjorie 

Nicknamed Marje, possessed of a vivid imagination 
Dorothy 

Nicknamed Dotty Dimple, vain, fond of candy 

Ethel Nicknamed Giggles, and the name fits 

Bertha Nicknamed Bert, tomboy type 

Margaret Nicknamed Babe, very slangy 

Abby Lou Nicknamed Dixie, Southern type 

Note. — ^Miss Gladys Smith and Mrs. Neulie Ritchie, 

the Red Cross Worker and Mary Murphy can double. 

If a smaller cast is desired, the number of scholars may 

be reduced and the lines divided among the rest. 

Time. — The present. Locality. — New York. 

Time of Representation. — One and one-half hours. 

2 



i DEC - 

• 


■7 1918 


©C1,D 


5 8 09 




'Vv^ \ 



f 



COSTUMES AND CHAEACTERISTICS 

Madame Antoinette Clemance. Middle-aged. Sty- 
lishy dressed. 

Abigail Corntossel. Middle-aged, extremely coun- 
trified person wearing a paisley shawl, bonnet. Carries 
a bird cage, carpet bag and umbrella. Wears steel- 
rimmed spectacles. 

Miss Augusta Scott. Known as '^ Great Scott" 
among the girls. She is of the teacher type, prim, old- 
maidish and plain. 

Miss Frieda Von Hinkel. A music teacher, fifty 
years old, though she tries to look twenty-five. "Wears 
an elaborate yellow wig, is fussily dressed and has a 
girlish manner. 

Miss Gladys Smith. A charming military instruc- 
tor, but in secret a German spy. She wears a khaki 
uniform. 

Mrs. Neulie Ritchie. Well-dressed, rather airy, uses 
lorgnette. 

Red Cross Worker. Wears the Red Cross costume 
and is business likp, efficient, earnest, and energetic look- 
ing. 

Mary Murphy. A female Irish detective; wears a 
mannish-looking tailor-made suit. 

Gretchen. a little German maid with hair combed 
in two braids. Wears large gingham apron and later 
changes to a small white apron and miaid's cap. 

Pupils of the Select School, at first entrance wear 
khaki uniforms or school suits. 

Dorothy carries a vanity case and box of candy. 

Marjorie, Abby Lou and Ethel at second entrance 
wear men's clothes with short wigs and mustachios, 
beards, etc. Marjorie wears a white wig, mustachio, etc. 

Margaret, Bertha and Dorothy at second entrance 
also are disguised, one being blackened up. Dotty wear- 
ing a veil and still carrying the vanity case; while the 
third pupil wears the make-up of an old lady, 

3 



PROPERTIES 



Stage properties as per scene plot at head of Scene. 

Duster, piece of paper and pencil, white cap and white 
apron, and pitcher of water for Gretchen. 

Property parrot and cage, carpet bag containing knit- 
ting, umbrella and steel-rimmed spectacles for Abigail. 

Calling card, check book, fountain pen and lorgnette 
for Mrs. Neulie Ritchie. 

Elaborate yellow wig for Miss VON Hinkel. 

Man 's white wig for Mar jorie. 

Razor, suspenders, and cigarettes for Miss Scott. 

Vanity bag, box of candy and large veil for Dorothy. 

Costumes to dress up in as disguises for Pupils. 

Whistle and bell off stage. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audi- 
ence. R., means right-hand, L., left-hand; d.r., door at 
right ; d.l., door at left. Up, toward rear of stage ; down, 
toward footlights. 



100 PER CENT AMERICAN 



Scene. — Tlie reception room of Madame Clemance's 
Select Scliool, as is indicated on a banner liung over 
tlie piano, center hack. Boors riglit and left. Two 
ivindoivs in tJie hack on eitlier side of tlie piano are 
Jiimg witJi tliick curtains. Windoiv seat under one 
or hotli windows. Screen stands against tJie wall r. 
CoucJi against wall l. Table, rocking-chair and 
otlier cJiairs occupy center of tlie room. Desk down 
R. Clock and telephone on desk. Neivspaper, a very 
large, bulky book, and a vase of flowers on table. 
Sewing-bag containing embroidery, a hall of gray 
ivool and a half knit sock, and a pair of scissors, are 
on the piano. A statue of George Washington (or 
any other statue available) stands on the piano, also 
music on piano rack. A book case occupies one 
corner. Mirror on l. wall. The room may be other- 
wise as elaborate or simple as desired. DISCOV- 
EKED at .rise, Gretchen, tlie little German maid 
dusting tlie reception room in an extremely desult- 
ory fashion, pausing to listen to voice off stage and 
the sound of shuffling feet. 

Voice (off stage r., crisply). Left! Right! Left! 
Riglit ! form column by fours ! Forward, march ! 

Gretchen (wistfidly). Ach! dose American Frau- 
leins! Soch goot times they haf. It iss a very wise 
thing to be in America geborn. (She starts to dust the 
piano, and stops to look at the jnusic on the rack) 

5 



6 100% American 

Voice (ojf stage lJ. Gretchen! Gretchen! Have yon 
dusted George Washington yet ? I noticed that his face 
was disgraceful this morning. 

Gretchen (liastily dabbling at the statue on tJie 
piano), Ya, Madame. 

Voice (off lJ. And the table legs? And the book 
case ? and the piano-bench ? 

Gretchen (frantically rusJiing from one to tJie otJier 
of tJie objects mentioned), Ya, ya, Madame! I yust 
finish. 

Mada]vie Antoinette Clemance ("ENTEEING d.l., 
and addressing Gretchen severely). How many times 
must I remind you not to say Ya! Ya! in my school? 
Suppose one of my patrons were to hear you, each of 
those ya's might lose me five hundred dollars a year. It is 
not at all difficult to learn new w^ays of speaking if you 
apply your mind to it. Look at me ! (SJie draws herself 
up complacently ) No one would guess that I was born 
Ann demons instead of Antoinette Clemance, and raised 
in Pumpkinville Center, Vermont, where people say 
^^Land sakes alive!" and '^Did yeou ever hear tell?" 
(She glances into the mirror and pats her fashionable 
hair) I am, I flatter myself, tout a fait Parisienne, It 
is only necessary to apply one's mind. Do you under- 
stand? 

Gretchen (nodding violently so that her braids f.ap 
with each word). Oh, ya, ya! Madame, I — I vat you 
say? I stand under. 

Madame Clemance (angrily forgetting her poise and 
reverting to PumpkinvUle as she shakes Gretchen J. 
For the land sakes! Did yeou ever hear tell of such 
stupidity. (She flounces out d.l., furiously, leaving 
Gretchen to stamp her foot) 

Gretchen. Ach dey all laugh at my speakings. But 
I show them some sings — ^wait und see! (Looking cau- 
tiously about her she takes a piece of paper from her 
dress and begins to write laboriously, tongue in the cor- 
ner of her mouth) 

Voice (off r., sharply). Halt! Shoulder umphs! 
Present umphs ! Atteu-shun ! 



100% American 7 

Gretchen (writing triumphantly). Soon dey sliall 
haf von big surprise. I will — vot iss it dot Miss Bertha 
say? I will their goat getten. (Slie liears footsteps ap- 
proacJiing and Jiastily folds tlie paper and slips it into 
iter dress, almost guiltily. She is dusting the piano fu- 
riously ichen Madame Clemence and Miss Augusta 
ScoTT ENTER, D.L., the sheets of m.usic flying in all di- 
rections) 

Madame Clemance (sternly). Gretchen! 
Gretchen. Ya,— I mean ya-as, Madame! (She re- 
stores order) 

Madame Clemance (continuing a conversation with 
Miss. ScottJ. Frieda Von Hinkel is a very charming 
young lady, my dear Augusta, a bit flighty perhaps but 
we must make allowances for youth. And her terms are 
so reasonable. I really cannot see that golden hair is 
a good reason for discharging her. 

Miss Scott (acidly). But her name! It makes one 
think of Limburger cheese and pretzels — Von Hinkel! 
Von Rubbish ! 

Madame Clemance ( thought f idly ). Yes, her name 
is unfortunate. I think I had better ask her to change 
it to something Frenchy — chic ! It would not do to have 
any of the parents of my Select Young Ladies question 
my patriotism. 

Miss Scott (sniffing). A Von Hinkel by any other 
name would smell as — Limburgery ! However, I did not 
expect my advice to be taken. I know quite well that I 
am not young and stylish, and have not frizzy tow-col- 
ored hair like some people I could mention. I am merely 
Augusta Scott, humble, plain, of no account to anyone. 
(She sniffs pathetically) 

Madame Clemance (hastily changing the subject^ 
pointing to door r. through which can be heard the tramp 
of marching feet). At least you can find no fault with 
the new instructor of Military Manoeuvres, Gladys 
Smith. There is nothing unpatriotic about that name. 
Half the people in America are named Smith. And 
what an ardent patriot she is. Why, she even knows 
the words of the second verse of the ^^Star Spangled 
Banner. ' ' 



8 100% American 

Miss Scott (grudgingly), I suppose she is, but in my 
day it wasn't considered quite the thing for a young 
lady to go about in — ahem — trousers. 

Madame Clemance (shocked). Oh no ! My dear Au- 
gusta, trouserettes. There is a great difference. Trous- 
ers are shocking, trouserettes are simply patriotic. 

Miss Scott (grimly). Well, if there is any difference 
it must be in the name, it certainly isn't in the appear- 
ance. And then that motor boat of hers — such an odd 
fad for a woman. (Resignedly) But as you say, I am 
out-of-date and old-fashioned. I don't expect anyone to 
listen to me, oh no ! (A ring is lieard at tlie front door. 
Gretchen Jiastily takes off lier hig gingJiam apron and 
puts on a maid's apron and cap wliicTi slie takes from, 
tlie window seat and EXITS d.r.) 

Madame Clemance (assuming a striking attitude at 
Tier desk, finger on cJieek). Augusta, kindly hand me 
the volume of ^^ Burton's Great Thoughts for All the 
Year.'" (^Miss Scott takes a ponderous volume from 
tJie table and Jiands it to Madame Clemance wTio opens 
it and appears absorbed in tlie contents. Miss Scott sits 
grimly rigid in a stiff vose, tJius tliey wait for tJieir visi- 
tor) 

Gretchen (off stage). Ya, ya, Madame, the ladies 
are — vot you say, all in. (JJ slier s in The Eed Cross 
Worker, a capable, energetic-looking woman in uni- 
form) 

The Red Cross Worker. Good-morning, Madame Cle- 
mance. They have sent me down from headquarters 
to see whether I couldn't interest your young ladies in 
war work. 

Madame Clemance. Quite unnecessary, my dear 
woman! I assure you we are already interested, in- 
tensely so. I think I may say without boasting that you 
will find few schools where more is being done to incul- 
cate the virtue of patriotism in the young mind than is 
being done here. 

The Red Cross Worker (puzzled). Indeed? For 
example ? 

Madame Clemance. Every room in the school, in- 



100% American g 

eluding butler's pantry and laundry has been equipped 
with a new, first-quality American flag. An Instructor 
in Military Manoeuvres has been hired to teach the 
young ladies the art of warfare. We also sing the ^ ' Star 
Spangled Banner'' twice a day. 

Miss Scott. You have forgotten to mention that the 
picture of the girls in their — hem — trouserette uniforms 
has appeared recently in two Sunday Supplements. 

Madame Clemance. We have also a collection box in 
the front hall where the girls deposit all Lincoln pennies, 
date 1912, and five-cent pieces bearing the date 1899 for 
the relief of the Belgians. So you see we are, as they 
say, doing our bit. 

The Red Cross Worker (dryly), Hmm! I fancy I 
mean something rather different. If I might see the 
young ladies themselves 

Madame Clemance (looking ojf R.J. Here they come 
now. Pray speak to them as much as you like. You 
will excuse us for a few moments — I think the butcher 
is waiting to speak to me. (EXIT with Miss Scott and 
Gretchen D.L., as D.R. opens to admit the Girls and Miss 
Gladys Smith, all in becoming khaki uniforms. If de- 
sired they may wear school suits, hut Miss Smith should 
be in uniform) 

Babe (pointing to Dotty Dimple who wears a vanity 
case over her khaki coat and carries a candy box). I 
thought I should die laughing when Dotty put down her 
gun so's to powder her nose. Isn't she a scream, girls? 

Dotty (defensively). Well, my cousin's in the army, 
and he told me that soldiers used powder, so there. 

Marje (amazed and interested). He did, what kind? 

Dotty (laughing slyly). Gunpowder! (They all 
laugh) 

Miss Smith (reprovingly). Girls! Don't you see 
you have a visitor? (She stands before The Red Cross 
Worker, very stiffly, clicks her heels and salutes. The 
Girls all salute) 

The Red Cross Worker (smiling). Dear me, what 
military maids ! I suppose you are all getting ready to 
drive ambulances at the front? 



lo 100% American 

Bertha. Well, not exactly. But we can do the dan- 
diest drill! Come on, girls, let^s show her! 

A simple flag, gun or military broom-drill may be 
introduced; but may be omitted; if so the lines of Ber- 
tha, *'But we can do the dandiest drill'' to those of the 
Ked-Cross Worker, ''It doesn't help our soldiers very 
much, does it T ' must also be omitted. 

The Eed Cross Worker (clapping Tier Jiands), Very- 
pretty ! But after all, though it's fun for you, it doesn't 
help our soldiers very much, does it ? I suppose you are 
all doing Red Cross work, too? 

Abby Lou (i7i SoutJiern drawl). Ah should suttinly 
say we are. Didn't we sell ice cream and fancy pin- 
cushions at the last benefit bazaar? Ah was nearly wo'n 
out afthwards. 

Ethel (giggling). And we held up automobiles and 
pasted stickers on them — a dollar each. Tee-hee ! That 
was great fun. 

The Red Cross Worker (ratJier sternly). Yes, but 
don't you do other things that aren't so much fun? Roll 
bandages and make cotten garments and knit socks and 
sweaters ? Fancy pincushions won 't keep the boys warm 
next winter. And all the money in the world isn't of 
much use without willing hands to turn it into gau2e 
bandages and pads. (TJie girls all look resentful. Miss 
Smith Jias picked up a newspaper and is reading and 
listening witTi a strange smile) 

Babe (frowning). But bandages are so stupid. And 
there are plenty of old ladies to knit things, grandmoth- 
ers and aunts and old maids. 

Mar JE. I can 't even sew on my buttons — fancy mak- 
ing a nightshirt. Good-nigM! 

Dotty Dimple. I couldn't knit to save my soul, or 
any soldier 's sole either. Everybody laugh please, that 's 
a joke. 

Abby Lou. Ah kaynt knit, either, but yo-all should 
see the butterflies Ah embroidhad on the guest towels 
when mah shister was mahied. They suttinly were 
pretty. 



100% American ii 

The Red Cross Worker (curtly). Embroidering but- 
terflies when the whole world is at war. Girls! I am 
ashamed of yon. With onr boys going over the sea at 
the rate of two hundred thousand a month (Tlie words 
seem to liold great interest for Miss Smith^ we are soon 
going to need millions of garments for them. It's easy 
enough to get people to do showy things for the Red 
Cross — sellinr^ ice cream, taking up collections, getting 
up entertainments, but the real test of patriotism is 
^vhether you are willing to do the drudgery, the things 
that people won't see you doing and applaud you for. 
It's up to us women of America from six to sixty to help 
our men win the war by giving them plenty of warm 
clothes to wear and taking care of them when they're 
wounded. Putting on becoming uniforms and learning 
pretty drills isn't what's needed. Think it over! I'm 
sure you'll decide that there is something more helpful 
you can do to show that you're 100% American! 
[EXIT D.R., leaving tJie girls gazing after Iter resent- 
fully. 

Babe. "Well, what do you know about that ? I '11 bet 
I'm more of an American than she is anyway! My 
mother belongs to the Colonial Dames and the d. a. r. 
and the s. p. c. a. 

Bertha (liotly). My great great great great great 
great grandfather came over on the Mayfloiver! 

Ethel (giggling ). Well, mine just missed the boat. 
He came on the next one. 

Abby Lou (pouting), Mah fatha's bought four Lib- 
erty Bonds. We've got so many cards in ouh windows 
we ca^Tit see out. Thrift stamps and Red Cross cards 
and Hoover stickers. 

Dotty (lieroically). And I've given up sugar in my 
coffee — that is I would have given it up if I drank coffee ! 
(Slie lielps lierself to candy and passes tlie hox) Have 
some caramels, girls, and stop worrying over what she 
said. Nobody could be more patriotic than we are. 

Marje (tliouglit fully). Something we could do to 
prove we are 100% American! I wish we could think of 



12 100% American 

something like that and show her. After all maybe 
there's something to what she said 

Babe (interrupting). Oh, forget it. Your conscience 
is working overtime. Come on, let's get dressed. If 
''Great Scott" sees us in these patriotic pantaloons she'll 
have a conniption fit! (^Babe, Bert and Dotty stroll 
out arm in arm, d.r. Ethel sits down at tJie piano and 
plays ^^Over Titer e/' while the other two girls dance to 
the music and hum the words) 

The Three (impressively, with appropriate gestures). 
''We're coming over and we — ^won't — go — ^back — ^till — 
it 's — over, Over — There ! ' ' 

Ethel (giggling). George Brown says he's going to 
bring me a German helmet to decorate my room. Won 't 
that be perfectly swell? 

Miss Smith (smiling disarmingly). So you have a 
friend in the army, Ethel? What does he say about 
going across? Do they expect to sail soon? 

Ethel. In a fortnight, he thinks — of course he isn't 
supposed to know the exact date but there 's a big convoy 
sailing soon. 

Marje. My Cousin George is in France. We had a 
letter the other day. He says the Americans are going 
to make a big attack soon, but the censor cut out the 
place where it's coming off. I think it's awfully rude 
to read other people's letters like that, why there might 
be something private in them. It's all nonsense — non- 
sensorship. 

Miss Smith. How interesting it must be to hear from 
people in the very middle of things. But there's no- 
body to write about them to poor little me. (She sighs) 

Abby Lou (sympathetically). Well, we'll tell you 
everything we heah. And in exchange maybe you-all'll 
take us out in youh motor boat sometime. 

Miss Smith (rising, smiling about at them all). Per- 
haps — some time. [EXIT d.l. as the girls look after her 
admiringly. 

Marje (enthusiastically ). Isn't she a peach! And 
so brave, too, to go out on the water every day in spite 
of the German submarine they say is somewhere off the 
shore ! 



ioo% American 13 

Ethel (looking idly at tTie newspaper). Kerens an 
article about it noAv. (Glances over ilie page) Ooo! 
Girls, just look at this! (Reads dramatically) '^AU 
good Americans are warned to beware of spies. ' ' Isn 't 
that thrilling! 

Marje (looking over sJioulder). ^^The Secret Serv- 
ice has just issued a warning for all citizens to be on the 
watch for German spies who are working everywhere. 
It will be rendering the utmost patriotic service to catch 
them and hand them over to the Department of Jus- 
tice." (Claps Iter hands in excitement witJi a little 
squeal) Girls, let's catch a spy! That woman hinted 
that we weren't patriotic enough, let's prove that we 
are. 

Abby Lou ( doubt f idly). That's suttingly a grand 
ideah, Marje, but what I think is where '11 we get ouh 
spy? (TJiey look at one anotlier doubtfully) 

Ethel (giggling). You said something then, Abby 
Lou. A spy hunt without a spy would be like Hamlet 
with Hamlet left out. You don't expect to find one in 
this school, do you? 

Marje (stoutly, pointing). It says they are every- 
where, so why not (She breaks off as Miss Frieda 

Hinkel enters d. l.; 

Miss Hinkel (pleasantly). Goot morning, young la- 
dies. I think I haf left my embroidery in here. Ach, 
yes! Here is it. (Takes her embroidery bag from the 
piano. The girls look at each other wiih sudden sus- 
picion) 

Abby Lou (aside to Ethel J. Did you hear that ach? 

Marje (sweetly). Oh, Miss Hinkel, what are you 
making — ^mayn't we see? 

Miss Hinkel (opening bag and drawing out a doily. 
As she does so the embroidery scissors fall to the floor). 
Ver' pretty, nein? A friend gets herself married soon, 
it is for her I gemacht it. (The girls admire it, she re- 
places it and EXITS d. l.^ 

Ethel (giggling). Her language is like her hair, al- 
ways curled up. But you don't think ? 

Abby Lou. Why not? You don't suppose that spies 
go around beginning theh conversation with '^I'm a 



14 100% American 

German spy, how do you do?'' And she's suttainly not 
an American 

Marje (pointing). Look there! (They all stare sns- 
piciously at scissors on tJie floor, and advance toward it 
on tiptoe) 

Abby Lou (capturing it). Embroidery scissors — she 
must have dropped them. (SJte examines tliem, tJien 
points triumpliantly ) ^^Made in Germany!" Now 
what do you-all think? (TJiey stare at one anotJier, tJien 
all slowly nod tlieir lieads) 

Marje. That 's certainly a clue. But we must be ab- 
solutely sure before we hand her over to the Department 
of Justice. We must catch her in the very act. 

Ethel (clapping lier liands). I know! What was it 
Sherlock Holmes always did when he was going to watch 
a murder or something ? He put on a disguise. All good 
detectives put on disguises. 

Abby Lou (witJi sudden inspiration). The suits of 
our brothers we wore in the school play. (TJiey all laugli 
gleefully and liurry out, d. r., nearly colliding with 
Gretchen, ivlio is ENTERING with a pitcher of water) 

Gretchen. Everybody in America always in a hurry 
vas! (Puts fresh water into the vase of flowers on the 
table, singing as she does so ^'Roeslein, Roeslein, Roes- 
lein rot, Roeslein auf der Heide^') If Madame Clemance 
hear dot she haf a — ^vot you say — a foot, no, a feet. But 
I show her. Dey don't know vot I do. (Takes out her 
paper and begins to write mysteriously, stopping ab- 
ruptly as Bert, Babe and Dotty ENTER, d. r., arm in 
arm, in their school clothes) 

Babe. Hullo ! What 's this you 're writing, Gretchen ? 
A love letter? (She tries to look over her shouMer. 
Gretchen hides the paper in confusion) Come on, let's 
see it. Maybe Dotty here could give you some pointers. 

Gretchen (confusedly). Nein, nein. It iss noddings. 
(Door bell rings) Hear you nod dot bell? I must go — 
(She runs out d. r. The girls saunter to the tahle and 
glance at neivspaper. They all see the article at the same 
time and point to it) 

All. **A11 Good Americans Warned to Beware of 
Spies!'' 



100% American 15 

Bert (skipping over the article). '^Warning for all 
good citizens — mm- — German spies who are working 

everywhere — mm — patriotic service ' ' (Loudly ) 

Listen, girls. 

Babe (putting Tiands to ears). For the love of Mike, 
Bert, we're none of us deaf — at least we weren't before. 

Bert (crestfallen). I was just going to tell you a 
secret. 

Babe (sarcastically). You sounded that way. But 
go ahead, let 's have it — ^pianissimo ! 

Bert (looking about Tier cautiously). Did you notice 
the way Gretchen acted just now? 

Dotty. She didn 't want us to see what she had writ- 
ten on that paper. You don't mean 

Babe (liastily). Sh ! Sh ! (^Gretchen EE-ENTERS 
witJi a letter. The girls regard Iter furtively) Gretchen, 
you never told us where you w^ere born. Was it in this 
country ? 

Gretchen (wonderingly). Nein, Miss Margaret, I 
was in Cologne geboren. [EXIT d. l. ivitli the letter 

Babe. Cologne! That's in Germany. I remember 
because my sister went there when she was abroad. She 
said it was spelled so different from the way it smelled. 

Bert (solemnly). It's our duty as citizens to — to 
shadow her. 

Dotty (dubiously). But if we tagged around after 
her wouldn't she get suspicious? 

Babe (in a superior tone). Of course she would, you 
poor simp. We'll have to disguise ourselves. I'll dress 
up as an old lady — ^you can black your face with shoe 
polish 

Dotty (tossing her curls). Indeed I won't black my 
face. (Regards herself adrairingly in the mirror) How 
do I know whether shoe polish is good for the complex- 
ion? 

Bert (impatiently). You make me tired, Dotty, the 
way you Mary-Pickford around here. Put a veil over 
your precious complexion then, and I'll black up. It's 
lucky I haven't any looks to worry about! (They start 
out D. R., Dotty 's voice trailing back) 



1 6 100% American 

Dotty (sweetly malicious). Oh, I think if anything, 
shoe blacking would be rather becoming to you, Bertie 
dear. 

ENTER D. L. Madame Clemance, reading a letter with 
pleased expression 

Madame Clemance. '^I have been looking every^ 
where for a school suitable for my daughter, Gertrude 
Evangeline Ermyntrude. It must be a place where hei 
studies will not be allowed to interfere with her pleas^ 
ures in any way and where she will be surrounded by 
uplifting influences. It must be a place above all, cul- 
tured, and perfectly comme il faut. Having heard fav- 
orably of your school I shall call upon you this afternoon 
and if satisfied will enter my daughter with you at once, 
yours sincerely, Mrs. Neulie Ritchie. ' ' Land sakes alive, 
— er — ^that is I would say very gratifying I am sure, 
very cultured and comme il faut. If there's anything I 
flatter myself it is the absolute comme il fautness of my 
Select School for Select Young Ladies. 

ENTER D. L. Miss Hinkel witTi Tier embroidery hag 

Miss Hinkel (deferentially). Goot day, Madame. 
Gretchen said you wished to speak mit me. 

Madame Clemance (witJi some embarrassment ). Er, 
yes. The fact is I have been wondering whether you 
ever gave any thought to the matter — ^hm — of changing 
your name. 

Miss Hinkel (tossing Tier Jiead), Ach, I haf had 
chances. I am not a — ^vat you say — old maiden because 
I haf not had chances. 

Madame Clemance (soothingly). Of course, my 
dear Miss Hinkel, many of them I am sure. I simply 
mean that — er — in view of the present circumstances 
some name rather more — er — truly American 

Miss Hinkel (sloivly). So. You think then one can- 
not be a goot American unless one haf the name Smit or 
Jones or Robinson? You think because one^s name iss 



100% American 17 

German one's heart is German, too. Ach, ver' well. I 
care not vat you call me. I vill be Mees Schmit, or Mees 
Jones or Mees Eobinson, and then eferyone will say I 
am a goot American. 

Madame Clemance. I felt sure yon would under- 
stand. Thank you so much, Miss — er — Jones! (She 
riistles out d. l. Miss Hinkel sJioivs that site is Jiurt and 
angry, SJie walks about the room, then shakes her head 
impatiently) 

Miss Hinkel. Aeh. What matters what they call 
you? It iss what iss in the heart that matters. I haf 
my reason nod to wish to leafe this school till the war iss 
over. There iss nod another place, the naval station so 
near. Thank Gott no one haf guessed why 1 am here. 
(She sitSy opens her bag, and feels around in the bottom. 
As she draivs out some undistinguishaMe object, she 
drops it back in great haste and confusion as Miss Scott 
ENTERS D. L., ivhich does not escape the unfriendly 
gaze of the other) 

Miss Scott (very coldly). You are embroidering, I 
see. 

Miss Hinkel (sweetly. Sits). Your eyesight haf not 
suffered from your age. Miss Scott. I am embroidering. 

Miss Scott (sniffing). I do not lace in my waist, Miss 
Hinkel, I do not attempt to correct whatever mistakes 
my Creator has chosen to make in my appearance. I do 
not try to conceal my age. 

Miss Hinkel (sympathetically ). Nein — no one would 
efer suspect you of being any older than you look — ^im- 
possible. 

Miss Scott (glaring). In my day, Miss Hinkel, ladies 
dressed as such. They did not endeavor to appear like 
a member of a musical comedy chorus or an advertise- 
ment for a hair tonic. 

IVIiss Hinkel (patting her hair complacently). But 
times haf change in the last fifty years. Miss Scott. The 
world, she iss improving right along. 

Miss Scott (tossing her head). Fiddlesticks! Stuff 
and nonsense! It's going to the dogs. 

Miss Hinkel (rising sweetly, and folding her work). 



1 8 100% American 

I am so sorry, Miss Scott, but I muss a lesson give. 
Some odder time, yes. You shall tell me somesings more 
about dose time when you were a girl. I am so interest 
in ancient historiee! (Site goes out, d. l., leaving Miss 
Scott speechless witJi rage) 

Miss Scott. The impudence of that woman is beyond 
belief. If I am not very much mistaken she will disgrace 
the school yet. Well, it's a comfort to think that what- 
ever happens I can say with a clear conscience, ''I told 
you so!'' (As sJie faces tJie audience witJi this remark 
the D. R. opens to admit Marje, Abby Lou and Ethel, 
in men^s clothes with short wigs and mustachios, beards 
and sideburns. They all apply a finger to their lips and 
say in chorus) 

All. Hist! ("Miss Scott starts violently and turns, 
almost overcome hy what she sees) 

Miss Scott. If you're after my money you will have 
to turn your backs. It's in my stock — that is, in one of 
my garments not immediately accessible. 

Marje (in a deep voice). Madame, fear not. We are 
not here to rob you. 

Ethel (striding forward, arms folded impressively). 
We are detectives on the trail of a German spy. 

Miss Scott (faintly). A spy, mercy on us. Are you 
sure? 

Abby Lou (gallantly). I am suah of one thing, 
Madame, and that is that I am addressing one of the — 
the most charming and superior membahs of the — er 
— fair sex ! (Bows low) It is an honah to meet you and 
a pleasuh to enlist you in ouh endeavah. 

Marje (aside). Bully for you. Put on another rec- 
ord. 

Miss Scott (blushing and casting down her eyes). 
Oh, sir ! This is so — so sudden ! Eeally, I hardly know 
how to reply. 

Ethel (deep bass rumble). Tell us, have you no- 
ticed any suspicious actions about here lately? 

Miss Scott (reflecting). It does seem to me that I 
saw that little idiot of an Ethel Barrett studying this 
morning. That is unusual, but I hardly think she could 



100% American 19 

be a spy. That takes a certain amount of brains 

Ethel (violently). What! 

Miss Scott (startled). I beg your pardon? 

Ethel (in a stifled voice). I said it was liot. (Slie 
glares at tlie otJier girls wlw are endeavoring to stifle 
their mirtli) 

Marje (to tlie rescue). Think carefully. Remember 
it is the — ah — (Glancing at tJie paper and then resum- 
ing glibly) — ^^the duty of all good citizens to aid in bring- 
ing to justice the German spies who are thought to be 
working everywhere. ' ' Is there no one you distrust — no 
one you suspect? 

Miss Scott (with a start). That sly, malicious, ma- 
lingering, meddlesome, metriculous, made-up Von Hinkel 
cat. 

Abby Lou (very professional manner). Aha, now we 
are coming to it. And what is it that you suspect about 
her, Madame? 

Miss Scott (viciously). Her hair. It's much too 
good to be true. 

Ethel (forgetting her role for a moment). For the 
love of Pete! — hem! (In a deep tone) Has it ever oc- 
curred to you that it might be a wig? 

All (excitedly), A wig! 

Miss Scott (delighted). And she certainly behaved 
very strangely when I came into the room just now. She 
had just taken something out of her embroidery bag, 
but when she saw me she started violently and thrust it 
back again. 

Marje (taking notes, a la Sherlock Holmes). Another 
clue. Did you happen to catch a glimpse of the — hm — 
object? 

Miss Scott. It seemed to be round and greyish 
black. 

Ethel (excitedly). No doubt a bomb. 

All (appalled). A bomb ! 

Abby Lou (persuasively). I'm suah those bright eyes 
of yours, Madame, noticed that it was made of iron? 

Miss Scott (coquettishly). Oh, you men! Well, per- 
haps I did notice that. 



20 100% American 

Marje (eagerly). And it was smoking? Oh, do say 
it was smoking. It makes such a splendid clue. 

Miss Scott (-flirtatiously). Since yon speak of it I 
believe I did see a little smoke, a very, very little. 

Abby Lou (taking Iter Jiand sentimentally). Madame, 
heah is youh chance to prove yourself 100% American. 
For the sake of ouh glorious country, the land of the 
free and the home of the brave, for the sake of the Star 
Spangled Bannah long may it wave, we must know 
(Dropping Iter voice to matt er-of-f act ness) what's in her 
top bureau drawer. And you must search it for us. 

Miss Scott (startled). Oh, no. I am too much of a 
lady to pry — and besides I'm afraid it is locked. 

Ethel. No, it isn't. I saw it open this morn — er — 
that is, we detectives have ways of knowing these mat- 
ters. 

Miss Scott (nohly. Waving Tier Jiand). No, no, do 
not urge me. I am above such things — ^besides she might 
come back and catch me. 

Marje (taking Iter otJier Jiand). But if we ask you 
as a favor to us? Think what might be found there. 

Miss Scott (Jiesitating). I wonder whether she 
keeps her complexion in that drawer. I've always 
wanted to know what she uses — and then, as you say, it 
is really a patriotic duty 

Abby Lou (witJi a killing look). As well as a favah to 
us. 

Miss Scott ( coquet tisTily ogling Mm). Go along with 
you, you naughty, naughty flatterer. Very well. 
(Nohly) For my country's sake I go! (She goes out, 
D. L., leaving tJie girls to caper ahout and clap tJieir 
"hands with glee) 

Ethel (giggling). I may be a little idiot, but on the 
whole I think we've got the joke on ** Great Scott" this 
time. 

Marje. And the goods on Miss Hinkel, too. Do you 
know I^m almost sorry she's a spy. She was always so 
kind-hearted and forgiving about discords in the left 
hand and forgetting sharps and flats. 

Abby Lou (starting as the door hell rings). Quick, 



100% American 21 

girls — ^hide. (TTiey Tiurry to tJie window recess r. and 
hide behind the curtain as Gretchen ENTERS r. with 
Abigail Corntossel, an extremely countrified person in a 
paisley shawl, hoimet, and burdened with a bird cage, 
carpet bag and umbrella) 

Abigail (in a loud nasal tone), Naow I s'pose you're 
the hired gal, ain 't you ? 

Gretchen (with a curtesy). Ya, ya, Madame. 

Abigail (putting on a pair of steel-rimmed spectacles 
and examining her critically). Land a living, child, I 
ain't Madame. Abigail Corntossel don't put on airs 
even if Hiram is fust seelect man, and she is President 
of the Cemetary Sodality, Vice-President of , the Morn- 
ing Stars, Secretary of the Temprunce Union and Treas- 
urer of the Sewing Circle and Missionary Society. 
Seems to me you're dretful spindly, child. Haow old be 
you anyhow? 

Gretchen (puzzled). Nein, nein, Madame, I do not 
undestand. 

Abigail (throwing up her hands). Nine yeou say? 
Dew tell. It's a dov/nright shame. I'm a-going to give 
Ann Clemmons a piece of my mind hiring a little tunket 
like that to answer her front door for her. 

Gretchen. I vill tell der Madame you was here. 
("EXIT D. L. Abigail ivanders about the room, examin- 
ing the material of the draperies, the furniture, etc. 
She draws an experimental finger across one of the tables 
and examines it disgustedly ) Dust! Just's I expected. 
Ann Clemmons always was slacker 'n Deacon Tupper's 
fust wife. I don't s'pose she's got her dishes washed, 
nor her kitchen red up this hour of the day. (The girls 
watch her from behind the curtains in amazement. 
Madame Clemance ENTEES d. l. hurriedly and stops 
short, staring at her visitor, appalled) 

Abigail (rushing forward and pumping her limp 
hands enthusiastically ). Wal, Ann Clemmons, ef yeou 
ain't a sight for sore eyes. Growed real stoutish, hain't 
ye? What a poor, spindlin', lanky, pale-complected, 
slack- twisted, holler-chisted, no 'count-lookin ' critter yeou 
was in the old days! (Looks her over) Yeou must be 



22 100% American 

dewin^ real well to be rigged np like a circus hoss spang 
in the middle of wash day. 

Madame Clemance (nervously). Hush! Not so 
loud, someone might hear you. I'm not Ann Clemmons 
any longer 

Abigail (poking Iter facetiously). Dew tell. Cotched 
a husband, hev yeou? Wal, s' I always says the fools 
ain't all dead yet, an' that proves it! 

Madame Clemance. No, I am not married, but for 
the sake of expediency I have taken the more cultured 
and — and comme U faut name of Antoinette Clemance. 
I am the head of a select girl's finishing school, if you 
know what that is. 

Abigail (dryly). Yes, I know 'em, all looks an' no 
larnin'. The old deestrict school was good enough for 
my ma to raise a fambly of ten children on, but now- 
days folks study French and Dago and all those heathan- 
ish languages and learn about a lightning bug's insides 
and waste good time looking at the moon through a spy 
glass and call 'emselves eddicated. Finishin' schools, 
humph. I guess it's t*he parents bank rolls they're most 
successful at finishin' more likely. 

Madame Clemance (Pointing to tJie carpet hag and 
other parapTiernalia). Have you come to — (Suppresses 
a groan) — to make a visit? 

Abigail (cJieerily), Land sakes alive, what in tunket 
do you s'pose Hiram 'n' the pigs would do without me? 
No, that ar carpet bag's full of Northern Spies. I 
thought you might relish 'em in a pie. I brought Nebu- 
chanezzer along (Pointing to tJie parrot) for sociability. 
He's real company, that bird. He can jaw an' cuss so 
homelike yeou'd think for all the world 'twas Hi. 

Madame Clemance (glancing nervously at the clock 
wMcli shows quarter to four, and then at the front door), 
Wouldn 't you like to lie down for a little nap after your 
tiresome trip ? 

Abigail (laughing). Lay down in the plumb middle 
of the afternoon? (She seats herself comfortably) 
Shucks, I 've got to git that evening train home or Hiram 
an' the pigs '11 be real worried. But I jest got to 



100% American 23 

thinkin', and says I to myself, says I, New York^s a dret- 
ful long ways off an' out of things like. Poor Ann 
doesn't know what's goin' on at all. I'm goin' to ran 
down and take her a mouthful 0' news, I says. So here 
I be. (SJie liunts in tJie hag for her knitting and com- 
mences on a sock) 

Madame Clemance (coldly). Yes. Yes, so I see. 
( Aside )^ And Mrs. Neulie Ritchie coming at four! 
Cultured! Comme il fant! Heavens, what shall I do? 

Abigail (rocking). How comes it yeou ain't knittin', 
Ann ? I 'm ashamed of yeou. Any woman that sets with 
her hands folded these days is no more'n less a slacker, 
'cording to Hiram 'n' the pigs. 

Madame Clemance (hrigJitening ivifh a new tJioiigJit). 
Suppose you come into my private sitting-room where 
we won't be disturbed and you shall teach me to knit. 

Abigail (rising and gathering up her possessions) 
And I can tell yeou all the news. Pumpkinville is gettin ' 
real lively these days. (Her voice drifts hack as they go 
out D. L.J AVe've hed two funerals in a month. (A 
pause, during which the hiders peer out then dtick hack 
again as d. r. opens and admits Babe, Bert arid Dotty, 
disguised liherally with shoe polish, veils and an old 
lady get up) 

Babe (regarding herself in the mirror). How do I 
look, girls? 

Bert (giggling). I couldn't tell you, Babe, I don't 
use that kind of language. But there's one thing cer- 
tain, nobody would ever take us for Select Young La- 
dies. 

Dotty (peevishly). Come on, I'm smothering in this 
old veil. Let's get busy and do something. I don't think 
this detectiving is much fun. 

Babe (reproachfidly). Think of what we're doing 
for our country. Remember Joan of Arc and Helen of 
Troy and Betsy Ross. 

Bert. Are you or are you not 100% American? 
(During this conversation the other girls have heen lis- 
tening with lively interest, drawing in their heads when 
one of the newcomers looked their way) 



24 100% American 

Dotty (sulkily). Well, where 's that' paper you 
found ? 

Babe (producing it). Here it is. I saw her drop it in 
the hall, just now. (TJiey put tJieir Jieads togetlier over 
it) 

Bert (laboriously). Mi euntree tiss of te, sweet land 
uf libattee uf tee icing. If that isn 't a secret code what 
is it? It looks like somebody trying to spell the way a 
bagpipe sounds. 

Babe. Or the way chop suey tastes ! Dotty absently 
powders Iter nose tJirougJi tlie veil with startling results. 
The others shout tvith laughter) 

Bert. Look at Dotty. She looks like the clown in the 
circus only the other way to. 

Dotty (angrily). YouVe got such a sense of humor, 
Bert, I should think you'd die laughing every morning 
when you look into your mirror. 

Babe. There, there, girls, stop your quarreling. 
"What's the bone of contention anyway? 

Bert (smartly). Wouldn't you say the bone of con- 
tention was part of the family skeleton ? (Loud groans 
over the pun, echoed by groans from behind the cur- 
tains. They start) 

Dotty. What was that? An echo? 

Babe (listening). I don't know, but there's someone 
coming. It sounds like the fairy patter of ''Great 
Scott's" Number seven, width D's. 

Bert (nervously). She might 'n understand our per- 
fectly patriotic reasons for dressing up like this. Per- 
haps 

Dotty. We'd better 



Babe. Hide! (They hide in window recess L., peer- 
ing out as Miss Scott ENTERS d. l., carrying several 
objects, among them a safety razor, suspenders and a 
box of cigarettes) 

Miss Scott (displaying theyn, without at first noticing 
that her co-conspirators are gone). It is even worse 
than we suspected. Hidden av/ay under boxes of 
''Bridal Blush to Impart a Delicate Glow to the Com- 
plexion," "Lily White for Youthifying the Neck and 



100% American 25 

Arms" and ''Floradora Vanishing Cream," T found — 
these shameful objects. (With a start of surprise site 
notices tliat slie is alone) Dear me, the detectives are 
gone, such discriminating and delightful gentlemen, too. 
How very unfortunate, just when I have discovered such 
important clues. Can it be possible that Frieda Yon 
Hinkel is a man? (Site regards lierself tliouglitfidly in 
tlie mirror) ''Bridal Bhish Bloom to Impart a Delight- 
ful Glow to the Complexion," ''Lily White," "Flora- 
dora Vanishing Cream." Shocking. I wonder where 
one buys such ^mlgar things? (A door slams off stage 
and steps approach along the hall. Miss Scott looks 
about nervously) Eeally, it would be very awlnvard to 
be found with these masculine — er — tools. The pure 
patriotism of my motive might not be perfectly clear to 
everyone. I have nothing to be ashamed of — I am not 

ashamed, but (With great agility she leaps for and 

attains the shelter of the screen just as Miss Hinkel and 
Gretchen enter' d. l.J 

Gretchen (tearfidly). Ya. Ya. Ich hatte es im 
Vorsaal. Ich kann es niclit find en. 

Miss Hinkel. Too bad, meine liehe. But fret not. 
You will find it soon. (The detectives peer from heliind 
their curtains and the screen, and show triumph at hear- 
ing German spoken) 

Gretchen (half crying). But ii nod, dey will find 
out vot I am doing. Ach, that would too bad be. (She 
continues to hunt vainly for the lost paper. Far away 
a whistle gives tivo shrill, short toot-toots. Miss Hinkel 
shores great agitation. She points toward the windows) 

Miss Hinkel. Hearest you that? It is my signal. 
Every day the same — toot-toot. I must to my room go 
and wave a message — so. (She waves her handkerchief 
wildly up and doivn while the amateur detectives regis- 
ter triumph. As she leaves, a loud nasal voice is heard 
off D. L.; 

Abigail (off stage). Naow don't yeou fret yourself, 
Ann, it don't make a mite 0' diff'runce to me where I 
set. (Madame Clemance and Abigail ENTEE d. l.) 
If you've got company comin' I sh'd admire to meet 



26 100% American 

^em. I ain't a bit stand-offish 'n' stuck up like some. If 
folks are respectable, church-going people an' good 
enough for yeou, they're good enough for me. That's 
the way I look at it. I believe in being democratic, 's I 
often say to Hiram an' the pigs. (STie sits placidly knit- 
ting wliile Madame Clemance looks at tJie clock ner- 
vously and fidgits about tlie room) 

Madame Clemance (aside). Four o'clock. She'll be 
here any minute now. Cultured! Comme il faut! Oh, 
I shall lose Gertrude Evangeline Ermyntrude if her 
mother once catches a glimpse of Tier. (She shakes a 
fist behind Abigail's pZacicZ back) 

Abigail (rocking comfortably). You was askin' me 
whether Luke Peter was still courtin' Hetty Russell? 
Land-aliving, no. He ain't payin' her any attention 
now. They've been married all of two years. They've 
been a good many changes in Pumpkinville sence you 
was there. We've shingled the Town Hall with an 
Oyster Supper, and put a new cupola on the Methodist 
steeple with two chicken Pot-Pie Festivals and a Box- 
Party. We 've 

Madame Clemance (glancing desperately at the 
clock). Are you sure you're not going to miss your 
train ? It would be a shame to have you inconvenienced. 

Abigail (comfortably). My patience, but you're 
dretful fidgity, Ann Clemmons. Set daown an' make 
yourself t' home and don't fret about me. I'm as com- 
fortable 's Old Tilly. That air train don't leave till 
nine this evening and I left Hiram and the pigs' supper 
ready for 'em. (In fidgiting with the papers on the table 
Madame Clemance catches sight of the spy article and 
has a sudden brilliant idea. She glances from the article 
to Abigail several times as the other drones on, the hid- 
den detectives peering out occasionally ) 

Abigail (displaying the sock proudly). Yes siree, I'm 
on my forty-fifth pair o' socks. The Widder Martin 
up Cross Corners way has made an even hundred. Eeal 
harnsome knitting if I do say so, who shouldn 't, the only 
socks that's fit for Uncle Sam's boys — the kind that 
won't run. I put up three hundred cans o' garden sass, 



100% American 27 

too. Way I look at it is folks has got to git together, 
rich folks and poor folks and the in-between kind and 
lick that pisen old Kaiser anyways we can! Me 'n 
Hiram 'n the pigs is 100% American! (As she says fliis 
tJie liidden detectives all clap noiselessly ) 

Madame Clemance (impressively), Ai3igail, I'm go- 
ing to take you into my confidence. I know you're a 
patriotic woman and (Glancing at tlie paper) all good 
citizens have a chance to render an important service 
to their country by catching and handing over to the 
Department of Justice the German spies who are 
thought to be working everywhere. There, what do you 
think about that? 

Abigail (amazed), Yeou don't tell! German spies! 
But haow in tunket v/ould ye be able to tell a German 
spy ef ye see one on 'em. They don't wear signs on 'em 
nor nothing, I s'pose? 

Madame Clemance. Oh, they usually wear some sort 
of a disguise so to look like something they're not. And 
they hide about in houses and public buildings to listen 
to what people are saying. (Tlie liidden ^' detectives^ ^ 
shoiv great agitation at tJiis remark, ivJiicTi deepens into 
undisguised uneasiness and alarm at tlie following) 

Abigail (stabbing fiercely at tlie air ivitli lier knitting 
needle). Wal, all is ef ever I ketch anybody dressing 
up in any of them disguises raound where I be I '11 give 
'em something they'll remember to their dyin' day, 
sure's my name's Abigail Corntossel. Jest let me lay 
eyes on one, that's all. (Tlie ^^ detectives^' liurriedly 
and unanimously ivitlidraw tlieir lieads) 

Madame Clemance (glancing at tlie clock, tlien lean- 
ing toward Abigail and fairly Mssing out tlie words), 
Abigail, do you want to help me catch a German spy? 

Abigail (with great emphasis, rolling up her sleeves), 
I sartain do. And what's more I want to hev the fust 
chanct at em when we've cotched 'em. 

Madame Clemance (mysteriously). A certain woman 
is coming here this afternoon for the ostensible purpose 
of placing her girl, Gertrude Evangeline Ermyntrude in 
my school. But I have my suspicions of her though 



28 100% American 

so far I have no real proofs. Now I want you to hide 
somewhere in this room, where yon can hear everything 
that is said and tell me what you think of her afterward. 
Only there's one important thing. She must not suspect 
that you are here or all is lost — remember she must not 
suspect you are here. Do you understand? 

Abigail (doubtfully). Somehow I don't seem to take 
to the idee exactly, as the tramp said when he seed the 
woodpile. Supposen we jest up 'n' ask her point blank 
an' open 'n' above board if she's a spy. (Tlie door bell 
rings) 

Madame Clemance (frantically). No! No! That 
would spoil everything. (SJie fairly drags Abigail up 
and pushes Jier across to tJie coucJi and down beJiind, 
pressing Tier head down with the motion of one packing 
a too-full trunk) Stay there! Don't move or stir till 
after she's gone, for your country's sake (Aside) and 
mine. 

Gretchen (ojf R.J. Haf you got your ticket? You 
cannot herein kommen mitoud thot ticket. 

Voice of Mrs. Neulie Ritchie (off r., coldly). Here 
is my card. This is Madame Clemance 's Select School 
for Select Young Ladies I presume ? 

Gretchen (off r.). Ya! Ya! Madame, you haf — ^vat 
iss it Miss Bertha say? — ^you haf der nail on der head 
hitten. (During this conversation Mrs. Clemance has 
hastily scrambled into her pose at the table, finger on 
cheeky apparently absorbed in '^Burton's Great Thoughts 
for All the Year.'' Gretchen ushers in Mrs. Neulie 
Ritchie, d. r., and disappears) 

Madame Clemance (not appearing to notice the new- 
comer, as if to herself). ^^True worth lies in being not 
seeming" — ah, how true that is. What a li-oble thought. 
How chastely expressed. 

Mrs. Neulie Ritchie (impressed). Ahem! Madame 
Clemance, I believe? You must pardon me for inter- 
rupting your studies. 

Madame Clemance (starting and rising gracefully). 
Ah, Mrs. Neulie Ritchie! Yes, I was spending a few 
moments with the great minds of the ages! And what 



100% American 29 

minds they were, too, were they not, — Pinto, and Demoe- 
rates, and Nero, and — hem, Hamlet. We do not find 
them in these degenerate days. Ah me! 

Mrs. Neulie Ritchie ( sighing ). Ah me! 

Madame Clemance (as Iter visitor is about to seat 
Jierself on tJie coiicli). No! No! Not the conch, by all 
means, not the conch. You will be more comfortable 
here in this chair. (Tliey seat tlieniselves. Tlie Mders 
peer out and hob in again at intervals during the follow- 
ing conversation) Let me see, I have so mnch npon my 
mind it is hard to think of purely worldly matters. 
What was it about which yon wished to consult me, 
Mrs. Neulie Ritchie? 

Mrs. Neulie Ritchie. My daughter, Gertrude Evan- 
geline Ermyntrude. 

Madame Clemance (appearing to recollect). Ah, 
yes! yes! The dear child. I quite long to have her in 
my little flock. There are so few select young ladies 
these days, Mrs. Neulie Ritchie, whom I can conscien- 
tiously welcome to my school. Ah me ! 

Mrs. Neulie Ritchie (sighing and shaking her head). 
Ah me ! 

Madame Clemance. Now I may say, without boast- 
ing, I think that I have an exceptional class of young 
ladies here. (The girls bridle and preen themselves) 
So truly feminine ! ('Marje, Ethel, and Abby Lou start 
and look down at their masculine garb thoughtfully ) 
So dainty and attractive! (The other three girls appear 
agitated) So — so comnie il faut! So very very comme 
il faut. And my teachers, though few in number, are 
ladies of culture. (^Miss Scott exhibits great distress 
and disappears behind her screen) The atmosphere of 
the place is uplifting and extremely patriotic. You 
see I am holding nothing from you ! (^Abigail peers out 
and Madame Clemance signals frantically but surrep- 
titiously for her to hide again) 

Mrs. Neulie Ritchie. Gertrude Evangeline Ermyn- 
trude is an exceptional child, very sensitive, very. She 
cannot bear the least criticism. She has, I may say, a 
great deal of temperament, if you understand what I 
mean ? 



30 100% American 

Madame Clemance. I think I do iinderstand. 
(Aside) She means -temper. 

Mrs. Neulie Ritchie. Your terms are? 

Madame Clemance (sweetly). Very reasonable. 
(TJie door hell rings. Aside) I wonder who that can 
be just at the critical moment too. (Aloud) I am al- 
most ashamed to mention it — one thousand a year, half 
in advance. A mere trifle. 

Mrs. Neulie Ritchie (taking out Iter check hook). 
Well, I think the school will do 

Gretchen enters, d. r., ivitli a card wMcJi sJie Tiands 
Madame Clemance 

Madame Clemance (reading). ^^Mary Murphy, De- 
tective the Secret Service." (Nervously) I think you 
had better say I am not at home, Gretchen. 

Gretchen. Ya, — er ya-as, Madame, sehr ^ut! 

[EXIT, D. R. 

Mrs. Neulie Ritchie (poising fountain pen over 
hook). Shall I make it out to you personally, Madame 
Clemance ? 

Madame Clemance. Yes, if you please. (An argu- 
ment is Jieard off r.) 

Gretchen (excitedly). Bot Madame Clemance say 
she iss nod at home. 

Mary Murphy (flinging open tlie door). "We'll see 
about thot! Government business. Madam. 

Madame Clemance (casting an agonized glance at 
Mrs. Neulie Ritchie j. One moment — ^just one moment, 
if you please! 

ENTER Mary Murphy, d .r- 

Mary Murphy (impressively folding Tier arms). 
Madame, the Sacret Sarvice has traced the workings 
av a German Spy to your house an' 'tis me duty as an 
officer av th' law to search it immadiately if not sooner. 
( Titer e is a great co7nmotion of tJie curtains and tJie 
screen) 



100% American 31 

Mrs. Neulie Ritchie (rising indignantly), A spy! 
Here! Horrors and it was to this place that I was 
about to entrust my precious, my sensitive Gertrude 
Evangeline Ermyntrude. 

Madame Clemance (trying to appease Jier). Wait, 
there is some mistake, I assure you. How could there 
be a spy in my school? 

Mary Murphy (gesturing alout tJie room). They're 
iverywhere. Why, it wudn't surprise me at all at all to 
foind wan av the varmints skulkin' in this very room 
this moment, behind that screen yonder, perhaps or th' 
windy cur-rtains or thot couch 

Madame Clemance (slirieking). Oh, no! No! Not 
behind the couch ! Never behind the couch ! 

Mrs. Neulie Ritchie (moving majestically toward 
D. R.j. I will say good afternoon to you, Madame 
Clemance. 

Abigail (suddenly hounding from Iter Mding place 
and catcliing tlie departing visitor firmly and grimly 
by the sleeve). No, yeou don't! Not whilest Abigail 
Corntossel's raound. (Slie turns to Mary Murphy J 
Officer, arrest this woman! She's a German Spy! 

Mrs. Neulie Ritchie (indignantly^ looking at Abi- 
gail tJirougli Iter lorgnette). How dare you address 
me, you ill-bred person? I've never been introduced 
to you. ("Mary Murphy looks uncertainly from one to 
tJie other, ivhile Madame Clemance ivrings her hands) 

Madame Clemance (faintly). I feel that in another 
moment I shall faint away. (She staggers against the 
screen, upsetting it and revealing Miss Augusta Scott, 
her hands fidl of masculine possessions) Ahh! 
(Shrieking loudly) Ahhhh! 

Mary Mlt?phy (sternly). An' phwat are yez doin' 
hidin' behint there? Spake up, lis very suspicious 
yez look! 

Miss Scott (confused). Dear me, this is most em- 
barrassing, but let me explain (A loud sneeze is 

heard from behind the ivindoiv curtains r. and Mary 
Murphy springs to them and drags out the three ^'detec- 
tives'^ in masculine garb, wigs and beards someivhat 
awry) 



32 100% American 

Mary Murppiy (liand to lie}- liead). More av thim! 
Sure th' place is a regular spy factory! (SJie raps 
Ethel sharply with her stick) Coom, coom, young 
felly, phwhat have yez got to say fer ye silf ? 

^tueIj (giggling shrilly), Tee-hee! Tee-hee! "What 
a joke! Hee-hee! 

Madame Clemance. Ethel Barrett! I'd know that 
giggle if I heard it at the North Pole ! 

Mary Murphy (to Marje in white wig and whiskers). 
An' who are yez, auld gintleman? 

Marje (shrilly). None of your business! (She hursts 
into tears) 

Madame Clemance. And Marjorie Tucker! 

Mary Murphy (amazed). Well, I'll be domned! 
Howsomever there 's nothing fer me to do but arrist the 
lot av yez. (^Miss Hinkel ENTERS, d. l., with Jier 
embroidery hag) 

Abby Lou (taking off her moustache and gesturing 
with it). That's the one you're looking for, officer. 
That's your spy. (All stare at Miss Hinkel J 

Madame Clemance (moaning). And Abby Lou 
Carteret! Shameless girl! 

Miss Scott (rushing forward). Yes, Officer, this — 
this female has disgraced her sex by being a man ! 

Miss Hinkel (angrily). Lieber Himmel, is it you haf 
all your wits gelosten? 

Miss Scott (dramatically). False creature. (Bis- 
playing the razor ^ suspenders and. cigarettes) I don't 
suppose you will deny that these are your property. 

Miss Hinkel (snatching them). And I do nod sup- 
pose you will deny that they are not yours! 

Ethel. Not half an hour ago we heard her say that 
she was going to her room to wave a message to someone 
out of her window. So! (She illustrates vigorously 
with her handkerchief ) 

Mary Murphy (to Miss Hinkel J. Is that so? 

Miss Hinkel (defiantly). I Avas not aware that there 
vas any law in this so-free countree that a lady should 
not from her window gewave ! 

Marje (pointing to the embroidery bag). She has a 
bomb in that bag. 



100% American 33 

Mary Murphy (liastily leaping hackward). Saints 
presarve us, a bomb, is it? 

Ethel (pointing to Miss Hinkel's elaborate yellow 
Tiair). And what's more she has a wig on. 

Miss Scott (vindictively). At last, impostor, the 
world shall see you in your true colors. (She jerks 
tTie wig aivay — and discloses — gray Jiair, neatly parted 
and pinned in a prim knot beJiind. All stare in amaze- 
mient) 

Abigail. Fer the land 's sakes ! Dew tell ! Seems to 
me yeouVe cought more'n you bargained for, as th' 
skunk said tew the man when he cotched him in the rat 
trap. 

Marje (faltering). But the bomb 

Miss Hinkel (quietly). You wish to see it? Ver' 
well. (Site readies into Tier hag and draws out a hall 
of gray yarn and a half knit woolen stocking) Here 
iss your bomb! 

Madame Clemance (sternly). Miss Hinkel please 
explain yourself. Why have you been deceiving us in 
this way? 

Miss Hinkel (proudly, facing them all). I vill ex- 
plain. It iss ver' simple. I am, you see (She points to 
her hair) an old womans. I am fifty year old. My 
son, Karl, he vant to join the navy to fight der Kaiser 
but I haf no moneys. So I say to heem, *^Go, it iss 
your duty. You are von American, go!" and I got 
vat you say, a chob. But nobody vants an old womans 
so I make myself young. 

Miss Scott (faltering). But the razor, and the 
signals out of the window? 

Miss Hinkel (sadly). Dose thing I buy for my boy. 
Also for him I knit the stockings when nobody see me. 
Efery night he make toot-toot on a whistle when his 
submarine chaser go by, and efery night I wave! So! 
(She waves her handkerchief then applies it to her 
eyes) He sail soon. I vant heem to go — am I not too 
an Americain, me? But it iss — ^not — easy 

Miss Scott (putting an arm round her). There, 
there ! You poor soul, cry on me all you want to. I 
haven't anything on that salt water will spot. 



34 100% American 

Mary Murphy (wiping Tier eyes and turning on 
Abigail, pointing to Mrs. Neulie RitchieJ. So you 
claim this lady is a spy, do you? 

Madame Clemance (Jiasting): No, no, that was all a 
mistake, officer. She is the mother of one of my new 
scholars. 

Mrs, Neulie Ritchie (angrily). Not at all! Not 
at all ! This school would never do for one as sensitive 
as Gertrude Evangeline Ermyntrude! (SJie flounces 

out J D. R.J 

Mary Murphy. Thin where is me spy? Fer a spy 
Oi'll have before Oi lave the place. 

Gretchen enters, d. l. On seeing lier tlie otJier 
three girls rush from their hiding place and pounce 
upon her. 

The Three (in chorus). Officer, here's your spy. 

Madame Clemance (wildly). Bertha, Dorothy, Mar- 
garet ! What have you done to yourselves ? Oh my 
poor school! Oh my poor head! (She clasps it dis- 
mally) 

Abigail (vigorously). Nonsense! That poor little 
dite of a critter is no moreen a spy than Hiram an' the 
pigs. The very idee. 

Bert (producing the paper and. handing it trium- 
phantly to Mary Murphy J. Then what is she writing 
in this secret code for? She dropped this paper with 
her own hand. 

Mary Murphy (reading). Mi cuntree tiss uf te, sweet 
land uf libatee uf tee icing — Now this lukes very suspi- 
cionable to me! (Sternly to the quaking Gretchen) 
Come, now, confess freely what it all manes and ray- 
mimber whativer yez say will be used agin yez. 

Gretchen (sniffing). Dese frauleins much laughings 
off me make, so I want dem not to see. But I wish a 

goot Americans to be so I write dot (She points) 

Mary Murphy (staring at the paper). Was it Hebrew 
you 're af ther writin ' ? Sure thot 's the language av only 
a part av America — 'tis not the official spache yit. 



100% American - 35 

Gretchen. Nein, nein, I was writing dose song der 
frauleins seeng, dose America songs — 

(She sings) My countree 'tis uf thee 

Swest Ian' nf libertee 
Uf thee I sing ! 

(All applaud. TJie girls put their arms affectionately 
around Gretchen J 

Bert. Will you forgive us, Gretchen? Here you 
were a better American than we were, all the time. 

Babe. And we'll teach you English so you'll be 
spieling it away like any of us in a jiffy. 

Dotty (laughing). Not like your English, I hope. 
Babe! (They all laugh) 

Abigail (admiring Miss Hinkel's sock). Ain't that 
sock knit beautiful? You have a real talent for heels. 
(^Marje, Ethel and Abby Lou gather about them) 

Marje (eagerly). Do teach me to knit. I'll make a 
sweater for Cousin George. 

Ethel. And I'll knit a muffler for Jimmie Brown. 

Abby Lou. Show me, too. Ah haven't got anybody 
''Ovah There" but all the boys are ouh boys, after all. 
That's what the Red Cross Lady meant this morning, 
only we didn't understand. We had bettah give up 
trying to be detectives and do the things we can do, 
even if they're not so much fun. 

Mary Murphy (looking from one to the other). Here, 
here, this won't do! I was sint here to git a spy and 
capture wan I will if it takes all noight. 

Madame Clemance. I 'm sure you must be mistaken. 

All my school is right here (She points to the 

groups before her) 

Ethel. Except Miss Smith! She's out in her motor 
boat somewhere. (The telephone rings and Mary Mur- 
phy answers it) 

Mary Murphy. Hello! Hello! Yis 'tis me an' no 
wan ilse. Phwhat's thot? Ye've captured him and he's 
a her afther all? She's been what? Oh yis, takin' 
information to the submarines in a motor boat, yez say? 
Bad cess till her. Calls hersilf Gladys Smith, but it 
ought to be Gertrude Schmidt av Berlin? And yez 



36 100% American 

don want anny more spies fer the afthernoon? All 
right — good-bye! (Site Jiangs up tJie receiver) 

All (in clioriis). Gladys Smith! Whoever heard of 
such a thing! (TJie girls lead Miss Hinkel to tJie 
piano and gatJier about Tier) 

Mary Murphy. Sure yez see iverything cooms out 
ahl right in the ind, only sometimes 'tis the wrong ind, 
that's all. 

Madame Clemance (mournfully). But I've lost a 
new scholar. I don't see where I've gained much by 
this afternoon's work. 

Abigail. Well, naow, Ann, I ain't so certain. Seems 
to me we've bad a real lively, exciting old-fashioned 
game of ''I Spy!" I only wist Hiram an' the pigs had 
been here to enjoy it too! (TJie girls begin to sing 
^^ America' ' softly) 

Mary Murphy (cJieerily), Don't yez be so shure av 
it, Madame Clemance. Maybe 'tis luck this afternoon's 
brought yez. Sure me brother Tim Murphy, boss av 
the Second District, has been looking fer a school fer 
his two girls, Nora and Noreen. Oi'll tell him about 
this an' I'm thinking 'twill do fer him foine. Fer he's 
been luking fer a place that's 100% American! (TJie 
music of tJie girls' singing swells louder as tJie curtain 
descends) 



CURTAIN 



MILITARY PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

H. 

BY THE ENEMY'S HAIS^D. 4Act8; Shours 10 

EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2i^ hours 10 

PRISONER OF ANDERSON VILLE. 4 Acts; 2^4 hours.. 10 

CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; IJ^ hours ,-. 9 

ISABEL, THE PEARL OF CUBA. 4Acts; Shours C 

LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 4 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 2}^ hours 9 
BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (1 !^ cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 



RURAL PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 2i4hours 9 

AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 2^ hours 8 

OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 2^4 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 

GREAT WINTERSON MINE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 

SQUIRE THOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2}4 hours 5 

WHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 

FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; Ihour... 6 

LETTER FROM HOME. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 



ENTERTAINMENTS 

25 CENTS EACH 

AUNT DINAH'S QUILTING PARTY. 1 Scene 5 11 

BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene , 2 30 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; li^ hours 19 15 

JAPANESE TTEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 10 

MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 

OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; I14 hours 4 4 

YE VILLAGE SKETV^L OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 

FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 

JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 

CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 14 

EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 

BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; li^ hours 1 13 

OVER THE GARDEN W^ALL. (15 cents) 11 8 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




^C^C^C^0sC^C^2^COC^C^C^C^^ 



COMEDIES AND 0017 400 489 4 

25 CENTS EACH 

BREAKI:NG HIS BONDS. 4 Acts; 2 hours 6 8 

BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3 Acts; 2^hoQre 11 6 

COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage SeiWlhig 9 8 

COUNT OP NO ACCOUNT. SActs; 2^hours 9 4 

DEACON. 5 Acts; 2J^ hours 8 6 

DELEGATES FROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 8 10 

DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 8 Acts; 2 hours 6 6 

E ASTSIDERS, Tlie. 8 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setthig 8 4 

ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 6 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 

GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 8 Acts; 2J^5 hours 6 8 

GYPSY QU:EEN. 4 Acts; 21^ hours 6 8 

IN THE ABSENCE OP SUSAN. 8 Acts; li^ hours 4 6 

JAILBIRD. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 6 8 

JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4Acts; 2i^hours 9 6 

MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4Act8; 2^hours 18 4 

NEXT DOOR. 8Acts;2hours 6 4 

PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 8 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 

REGULAR FLIRT. 8Acts;2hours 4 4 

ROGUE'S LUCK. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 8 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 6 Acts; 21^ hours 6 4 

STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2^ hours 6 8 

WHAT'S NEXT? 8 Acts; 2^ hours 7 4 

WHITE LIE. 4Acts;2^honn 4 8 

WESTERN PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4 Acts; 2 hours 8 8 

GOLDEN GULCH. 8Acts; 2^ hours H 8 

RED ROSETTE. 3 Acts: 2 hours 6 8 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2V^ hours.... 5 8 

STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 8 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 8 Acts; 2J4 hours. 9 3 



FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORP'N, 18 Vescy St.,N. Y. 
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$»! 




